Finding My Inner Sexy

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I've always wanted to take an erotic dance class. I am not the best dancer, but I love to watch performers. It's something powerful to me about seeing a woman comfortable with her body and able to make it an erotic form of art for herself and her lover. I've gotten into the habit of doing things that I say I'd love to do, so when the class presented itself I grabbed a fellow awkward friend and got started. The experience was awkward and exciting. It was fun to do it alongside everyday women who were also trying to awaken their inner sexy. It was a judgement free zone and I enjoyed the feminine energy and support that engulfed the room. As I was on all fours whining my hips and throwing my legs in the air I had an epiphany. A strong force of clarity hit me and said "you've been neglecting your sexuality." I became distracted by the thought and I knew that I would spend days (weeks) unpacking it. This was a new truth that I needed to face.

This epiphany had me questioning the way I've been going about my self-care. Why hadn't I ever considered myself as sexy? Not only was this a word that I rarely heard from men, but also something that I haven't said to myself --not even during my affirmations. Don't get this confused with low self-esteem. I know I'm a beautiful woman, but this unveiled truth has shined the light on the fact that most of my self-care methods have been geared towards other parts of my identity. I own my truth in being an awkward, creative, business minded, resourceful, introverted and sensitive person. These are the sides of myself that I walk in daily, but my sexuality has taken the backseat. I'm not sure how it happened. Maybe it's because in the media's definition of a sexy woman is often the girl with the perfect makeup, hair and curves. She is a bit mysterious yet outgoing and she's confident. Sexy in the media hasn't looked like the goofy girl who can barely walk in heels, bound to do/say something awkward, battles with social anxiety when around strangers and who lacks a decent sexual experience. Thanks to Issa Rae's This Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl I learned to own by quirky ways freshman year of college. Accepting my quirks has been a beautiful thing but I've also felt that there was no room for being awkward and having sex appeal. At least it wasn't something I had seen before.

Now that I'm 24, I am starting to see this as an area that needs growth. Men that I am interested in tend to view me as the homie. Sure they might admit that I'm cute and have great qualities relationship wise, but at the end of the day, to them I'm just "Britt". They don't tend to view me as a grown woman that wants to be desired, cared for, flirted with and touched in a special sort of way. They don't ask me what I like as though that side of me is nonexistent. I don't want to be just the girl that guys talk to about "fine ass women" I want to be one at least to myself (and no just not talking about it doesn't solve anything). Feeling that you have value and are beautiful are two things that I've conquered years ago, but feeling sexy is a bit different. Sexiness comes with the exhilarating rush of confidence and power and has a way of demanding attention without necessarily going out of it's way to get it. I'm young and should have more days where I look at myself and say "damn I'm bad" instead of being a bystander.

After identifying that feeling sexy should be just as much a part of my self-love journey as I've made feeling beautiful the next question is how. With my every day self-love regimen I tell myself I look great, read and spent a lot of alone time but I know that it's time for me to level up my methods. I also know that while I am on a journey to display my inner sexiness and I'm open to getting involved with a guy I do not want to get into a hoe phase. That might work for some, but for me it would likely lead to other issues that I'd later have to fix. Meaningless sex wouldn't provide the level of passion I'd need to feel sexy. So how does a girl feel sexy without going on sex binge? I took to Twitter and this is a snippet of what advice I received.

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I got a lot of great feedback and some that I didn't expect such as window shopping or eating out alone. I've also been inspired by a fictitious book to get my sexy side out there. The book Just Friends was meant to be a fun read; I never expected it to be so relatable. The main character is a smart and sweet women who is fed up with being overlooked by men rather than a grown woman who wants to be loved and lusted after. The character decides that she's getting older and is ready for a change and throughout the story I see her go through the ups and downs of taking risks with her looks, telling her long time friend her feelings for him as well as accepting herself as a desirable woman.

From reading the book I decided that the best way for me to kick things off would be for me to challenge myself. I thought I'd do it through February only, but I've learned quickly that this will be a long journey of risks and enlightenment. This is not to say that I plan to go wild; having a peaceful life is a need of mines. I am thankful for the many times I had the strength to walk away from situations that I had a bad feeling about (it has saved me many times). But in order for me to embrace that part of myself I must once again leave my comfort zone.

I am excited and nervous to see where this journey will take me. I'm reminding myself that while male attention would be appreciated it is not mandatory. I would love for a guy to see me as a multifaceted woman that is capable of being the sweetheart friend, creative business woman and sexy but this journey isn't about changing the minds of men. This journey also isn't about me trying to mold myself into someone I am not or don't want to be. It is about me discovering what this side of myself is about, spending time with her and learning what are her likes and dislikes are? It is about me defining what is sexy for myself and walking in that definition with confidence. It's about me getting educated on my divine feminine energy. This is something that I want to do for myself so that in the future whenever I do engage in sex it is an experience that I can be confident and vocal about.

In my research period I discovered that other women also have felt their sex appeal has been hidden so I hope my journey can help others. I have already thought of a few key things I'd like to do for my challenge that have excited me and yet made my stomach churn a bit. Some of my ideas include getting a yoni steam, more sexy dancing, and a total wardrob revamp. February will be the start of a different form of self-love for me and I am eager to meet it's acquaintance.